I used to give you money. I was young and naive and a soft touch but now I think giving you money does more harm than good. Here’s why I won’t give you any money:
You know how to say ‘money’ in English but not ‘thank you’
I think it’s sad the only word of English you know is ‘money’.
You were rude
Knowing how to say ‘fuck face’ is not a vast improvement on only knowing how to say ‘money’.
You are dressed better than me
FFS, get real. I’ve got a soggy sock from the hole in my shoe and you’re wearing Nike trainers and Armarni jeans.
Your mobile phone is better than mine
Having your own phone is bad enough but holding out your hand while Justin friggin’ Bieber emanates from your iPhone is slightly taking the piss don’t you feel?
Your dad is a stockbroker
While I appreciate you wish to take advantage of a bear market perhaps daddy can cough up the cash.
Your dad owns the shop I just came out of
I feel I’ve already paid more than my fair share towards your education. Is this meant to fall off?.
My girlfriend will moan at me
I’ll be both out of pocket and in the dog house. This is a no win situation for me.
You should be at school
I’m not going to encourage your parents to keep you out of school.
You will buy drugs with it
I want to buy drugs with it.
I don’t want to be fattist but the amount of calories stored in your body took a fair amount of money.
You won’t say thank you
You’ll sneer slightly and then walk off to the next sucker without so much as a backward glance.
You will ask for more
You’ll sneer slightly, repeat the word ‘money’ and stick your hand out again. Then you’ll walk off to the next sucker without so much as a backward glance.
Your friends will ask for more
My word, you are a popular chappie aren’t you? I had no idea there were even this many children in the whole world. No wonder there is such pressure on the Earth’s resources.
You are not my child
OK, so I have to suffer your presence for a far shorter time than if we were biologically related. The answer is still no.
I don’t want to encourage you to be a beggar when you grow up
I don’t want to encourage you to be a beggar now, for that matter.
Get a job, ya bum
You’re what? Like, eight or something?
I will however be happy to swing you around though if you like
One more time? My back’s sore and I feel a bit sick but, sure, you’re a nice kid and I’m enjoying it too. Whee.
This post is aimed at greedy kids with perfectly adequate parentage and means who expect us to give them money because we are foreign tourists. Tell them to fuck off and instead give your money to children in genuine need: Save the Children